It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on the blog. I can say life and blah, blah, blah, but to be honest. I’ve just not felt like the things happening in my life right now needed to be aired out for the entirety of the world to see. Some things are left private.
**Warning, this will be long**
I’m still with my Mr. Darcy and things are going really great in the relationship department. But as we all know life, well life happens, shit happens and we deal with it and move on. That is what I’ve been doing offline, is dealing with shit life throws at me and I seem to be coming out just a little ahead!
I think I’ve mentioned before about living with mental illness. I don’t really want to say battling mental illness, or fighting mental illness. Because, while it might seem that is what one does, it isn’t. Anyone with mental illness fights, battles, and deals with demons on a daily basis. It is what we do, the little devil on your shoulder is a constant nag and some days he’s easy to ignore and other times it’s the only voice you hear.
I live with mental illness. Depression, mania, anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive behavior. It can be given a label of Bi-polar, call it what you want, at the end of the day it is a mental illness, it is a disease, a dis-ease, an
interruption of what some will call normality. I like to think of it as an eccentricity, it is a uniqueness only to me. I embrace it as a part of me.
I am flawed, I know this, I understand that I may be slightly more skewed than most, but that is me. This is who I am. I’ve found someone who understands this and doesn’t use it against me. The one closest to me understand that I might need a little more space, or a little more attention at certain times. I am a handful, I always have been. Again, this is who I am.
It’s extremely difficult to find at least one person that will love and accept you in all your wonderfully made flaws. I’m lucky enough to have a supportive family and close friends that can recognize when I might be spinning a bit out of control and will come to me and help me recognize that I need to get myself grounded again. Before I fly to far and coming back becomes something that looks like finding your way out of an unfinished maze.
Anyway, I tend to call the times I am being withdrawn as my period of solitude. Like Superman, I have my own fortress of solitude and I like to visit this from time to time to clear my head and get grounded again. Sometimes all it takes is a few minutes to slip on my headphones or ear buds and blast a few songs to clear my head of the non stop cycle of thoughts that get stuck. Some of you know what I’m talking about.
What is this fortress? It’s a safe place, for me it’s just a space I have created for myself that is mine and I don’t share it. It’s my safe space. Mr Darcy respects me and my space and when I’m there he lets me be. It can be a room, any room, if you don’t have a spare room, make it a special corner in a room, some place you feel safe and comfortable. A place you can go to remove yourself from things for a bit to gather your thoughts, compose yourself and ground yourself. A park, a walk outside in the yard or around the block. Any place that you find safe. That will be your fortress of solitude.
If I had any piece of advice that would be worth anything to people living with mental illness, is don’t get to comfortable in this fortress. Use it as a safe place where you get your bearings and get grounded and tackle whatever it is that has driven you to your fortress.
My mental illness doesn’t define me, it is a part of me. I live with it, I learn how to maneuver life living with what was bestowed on me for whatever reason. Am I strong enough to survive it? So far, yes I am. Has it nearly destroyed me? Yes, there have been times it has nearly destroyed me. Along with other things that have came into my life. I’m stronger for living through those times. Times where I had to fight for my life. I come with scars and wounds are still healing, the physical wounds are healed but emotional wounds are still in the process of healing.
If you feel like you need help, and are fighting, please remember that there is at least one person you can reach out too. Call the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Visit the Suicide Prevention website for more information.
I think I’ve rambled on enough for today!